Lord, help her to see that Your idea of success and hers might look different.

Rejection, on some day and in some way, is going to face you. Don’t worry, it happens to us all. I want you to know now, before that times hits, that your work may be rejected but you are not.

In June I committed to submitting a piece to be considered for a women’s devotional, knowing that other phenomenal writers were doing the same work. This was the first Bible study I’d ever written and the first piece I’d ever submitted. The odds of my work being chosen were slim to none.

But I got to work. I checked out books from the library and scoured the study Bibles on my shelves. I found tips online for writing devotionals. I pulled up sermon archives, filled up pages of notes, and clicked back and forth between tabs on my screen.

The words I worked so hard to study came to me like a fresh stroke of paint on the canvas, revealing to me another shade in the portrait of God.

I knew writing devotionals wasn’t my expertise; that only became clearer the further I trudged into this essay. But as I studied and strung words together on the page, I gave way to the hope that even if I failed, this would still be worth it. The narrative in my heart believed so quietly,

“But even if I lose, I still got to spend hours doing a work that I love and worshipping a Savior I love. And that’s worth it.”

Committed to the finish, I relinquished my grip on the piece and submitted it early in a physical act of forgetting any control I had.

Then I waited.

The odds that my piece would not be chosen lingered in the back of my mind, but the hope that God works in mysterious ways stayed with me. After all, He loves to surprise us, right?

In late September I received that rejection email I had been bracing myself for all along. I held on to a sliver of hope that anything was possible all the way until I opened that email. But the words were clear. My piece had not been chosen for submission.

I wasn’t surprised. But still, I sat for a moment, staring at that rejection email. Rejection has never been easy for me. My sinful tendency is to tie my productivity to my worth; it’s too easy for me to believe that if I don’t do the right things, then I’m not good enough. I waited for that familiar wave of shame rooted in my perfectionism to wash over me. Waited to feel like I wasn’t worthy today –

My lungs inhaled deeply and my voice broke through the silence in that empty room, “Okay.”


My piece might not have been chosen, but that made me no less of a writer.

My work was rejected, but I was not.

I deleted the email, picked up my bag, and headed onward. And as I moved forward in the coming moments, days, weeks, I realized that rejection was fruit. It was not a thing to shame me. It was not a roadblock.

That rejection helped me.

It required me to step outside of my safety zone, and to do something meaningful that lifted my eyes up. It was evidence that victory is growing closer to the Lord. And sometimes that means losing the thing you thought you might deserve.

I had to realize that even on this side of that “no,” I am still picked to write and picked to study the ways of God. Even if my words aren’t for everyone. Even if it doesn’t feel good enough. Even when I come up short. My calling remains because it’s in those quiet moments of writing that I feel most alive to Him. Being near to Him is the victory.

We know the truth that God chooses the unlikely ones to bring about His glory. We know that He uses the hands that appear weakest to work His will. That the ones with the smallest following can have the widest reach. We know that He uses the smallest people to display His big purposes. I’m not discounting that.

But I do think it’s possible that sometimes God will place something on your heart that you’re not meant to succeed at.

You’ll think it means victory as you see it. You’ll think it means being the chosen one or authoring the winning essay. You’ll think it means being well-liked and followed.

But sometimes victory looks like a loss.

I knew it was quite unlikely that I’d win this writing contest of sorts. Success happened the moment I examined the risk of failure, and still chose to obediently follow God’s nudging to take a step toward it.

It happened when I committed to the unseen hours of study and writing just because I felt He gave me an idea. Even before my writing was placed in the hands of someone else, success came when I chose to be faithful to the opportunity given.

Dear one, do you see it?

You are not counted out because you were rejected.

The endeavor wasn’t wasted just because your work was not deemed winner. You accepted the call, put the long hours into the practice, and believed that God had His divine purposes even in the possibility of being unchosen. Rejection can’t shake a faith like that.

I talked to Travis just last night about some feelings of jealousy and rejection heavy on my heart. Those feelings stemmed from something totally unrelated to this story. But he so fittingly prayed something like this:

“Lord, help her to see that her idea of success and yours might be different. Help her to be okay with that. I pray that she wouldn’t gauge her success on what others are doing, but help her to see what You’re is already working through her. God, Your success in her is enough. Help her look for Your success.”

As I step into new classrooms and places, greet new faces, I have to remind myself that my work might at times be rejected; but I am not. The work of my hands will come up short, but it’s already a success because God is at work in ways I may not ever get the privilege of seeing.

I’m no less called than I was before that rejection email, and that is really good news for a perfectionist just trying to make the world a sweeter place.

Fighting Forward: a book about living fearlessly in the light.

I found Hannah Brencher’s blog when I was a college student with a broken heart. It was as if she was sitting with me and listening carefully; she knew exactly the words to help me heal. I remember reading excerpts from her blog aloud to a friend in our dorm room one night. She looked at me like I was crazy. I realized she didn’t get it. The weight of these words.

Those early blog posts gave words to confusing feelings I held onto as I sought to grow and heal. Hannah Brencher’s words helped me to find my own voice. Her beautiful poetic prose assured me that God can be found in the words we write; I needed that message. That truth sits with me every day still.

Over the years, I’ve deeply enjoyed growing with Hannah’s works. Some seasons I keep up with her writing more than others, to be honest. But she’s like a Taylor Swift song or the Jonas Brothers. Always there for me.

We’re well past the heartbreak years – praise God – and we’re now in a place of learning how to be disciplined, consistent, and pushing forward into all that God has for us. I’m here for it.

When Hannah announced a new book set to launch, named Fighting Forward, I was stoked. And now that I’ve read it, I can confirm: it’s no coincidence God planned this book for this season.

Divided into sections of essays, Fighting Forward reads like notes of encouragement from a friend. It’s the guide you need to overcome hurdles and start new rhythms. Hannah’s writing is as beautiful as ever, her honesty refreshing, and her practical steps for reclaiming truth and fighting forward are life-giving. Hannah’s storytelling disguised as lyrical, poetic prose will give you the words you need to describe your struggles. Her wisdom will give you to the steps you need to make a change.

I wanted to share with you 3 quotes from this book I absolutely loved, and how they’re carrying me into another week of life and ministry:

“What do I love enough that I am willing to keep stepping into that love when the feelings fade or morph into something I don’t understand just yet?”

Hannah Brencher

Just because my feelings are different now than they were last year doesn’t make the calling any less valid. I’m still in the positions God has put me in. I still have a responsibility to be a loving wife. A humble friend. A patient teacher. A willing writer.

None of these places are new to me anymore. And although the initial excitement has worn off, His calling has not. At the start of every day, I keep showing up to these places. And at the end of the day, I know that’s real love.

“At the end of our lives, I don’t think we will compare to-do lists or stack our accomplished goals in a pile to show off. We won’t even really remember those elaborate gestures so much as we will remember people – what they said to us, how they made us feel, how God used us to stitch fight songs back into the hearts of others when all hope seemed lost.

Hannah Brencher

Note to self: the to-do lists and goal setting are meant to grow you into a stronger person for the sake of loving others better. If all my to-dos and goals are centered on me, I’ll never be satisfied. Everything is used to glorify Him in this life. And His way of doing that seems to be loving and taking care of people well.

“And then you take those small things and put them on repeat. Discipline stacks up, and those results will come with enough time and enough daily application. Eventually, your feelings of being overwhelmed will start to fade and you’ll miss fewer days and all the small things will morph into habits. And those habits will set you up for rhythms. And those rhythms become anthems you know by heart. And those anthems have the potential to power you into such greatness you cannot even fathom right now.”

Hannah Brencher

One of my hopes for this year is to establish a healthy, life-giving morning routine. It can be overwhelming to wake up late to my alarm again and think, Okay, tomorrow I’m going to read, write, pray, and exercise every morning.

Discipline doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t mean immediately waking up into the big things. That’s a recipe for shame and shortcoming.

Discipline is taking small steps every day. She says, “Small things on repeat.” And when you break it up like that, you grow. Change happens. Your brain gets clearer, your body strong, and your will more confident every day.

Because this book is divided up into small essays, I had intended to read a chapter each day. However, I loved it so much I read it over a week. I hope to read it in smaller chunks in the future because there’s so. Much. Here.

You could really read it either way and multiple times and gain new insight from it every time. Hannah writes the depths of truth in a way that is beautiful and accessible to all.

Over the last 8 years of following Hannah Brencher, I’ve learned so much at the foot of her teaching; Fighting Forward is no exception. She is a master storyteller, preacher of truth, the friend to sit with you over coffee, and the cheerleader to help you go for that first run.

If you’re in need of a pep talk. If you need to be reminded that you have a purpose that does not require your perfection. If you need to kickstart healthier routines and rhythms. If you want to be assured that the hurt you feel isn’t wasted – these words were written for you.

Grab a pen and a notebook. Be ready to mark up this book. It’s a good one, and exactly the message we need to propel us into living on mission in 2021.

The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson: Praying Big

“God is great not just because nothing is too big for him; God is great because nothing is too small for Him.”

The Circle Maker, page 113

“When you pray regularly, you never know when God will show up or speak up. Today could be the day. When you live in prayer mode, you live with holy anticipation. You know that coincidences are providences. Any moment can turn into a holy moment. God can invade the reality of your life at three o’clock one afternoon and change everything.”

The Circle Maker, page 65

I mark up my books. Mostly with underlines, sometimes with a star or asterisk to the side. It drives my husband crazy, but it helps me to learn. It helps me to not miss the message woven in the writing that I most need to hear in that season of reading.

Without a doubt, the book I’ve marked up the most recently is Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. Inspired by a first-century BC man who drew a circle of prayer in the middle of a drought and refused to leave until the rain came, Batterson describes a method of prayer that completely circles around and through our requests. The book, which is an entire testimony to the prayer walk of Batterson and his congregation, introduces believers to a different mindset to prayer.

Now, I need to pause here.

The premise of the book is not to literally draw a circle and to sit in it while you pray. Actually, it’s a book about persistence and patience. It’s about perseverance and boldly seeking a heavenly kingdom, even here. The book invites us to participate in a walk with the Lord marked by bold and faithful prayers, and requires a kind of stubborn faith that is dedicated to the practice of praying until the end.

I almost couldn’t stop underlining, and there’s so much that could be said about this book. But for today, let me leave you with 3 main takeaways.

3 Takeaways

001: “It takes 10,000 hours of practice to achieve the level of mastery associated with being a world-class expert.” Circle Maker, page 86

I think one of the woes of living as a sinful human is that prayer is hard. It just is. It’s hard to find focus, to sit down to it, and to be faithful to showing up to it. I don’t know that I’ve ever met a believer who admits to having a perfect prayer life without any flaw.

Taken from research on world class athletes, musicians, and writers, Batterson brings up that it takes 10,000 hours to develop world-class mastery. Drawing from the implied practice and determination it takes to get there, he makes the point that prayer is the same.

No, it’s not about logging hours. It’s not that when I reach my 10,000th hour of prayer that I’ll be some expert. No, not even close. But he is saying that a solid prayer life takes time. His point remind us, “It is a habit to be cultivated. It is a discipline to be developed. It is a skill to be practiced.”

This gives me hope. I’m just as broken as the person who seems to pray so effortlessly and often, and the difference between me and that person is simple. They’ve committed themselves to the practice of prayer. That’s it. They’ve taken the plunge of faith it takes to show up to pray to an unseen God every day. They have stretched their patience, focused on the Lord, and continued meeting with Him.  

They practice prayer. And it’s not always easy, but they do it in anyways.

And you know what, anyone can get in on that. The only failure in prayer is to stop praying. Establishing a prayer rhythm isn’t happenstance, and that means that all of us have the power to start healthier prayer habits and approaches even today.

002: “When you know you are praying the promises of God, you can pray with holy confidence.” Circle Maker, page 91

Did you know that conservative estimates say there are more than 3,000 promises in Scripture? And because of the work of Jesus, those promises belong to those who believe in Him.

James 1:5, ours.

1 John 1:9, ours.

Psalm 37:4, ours.

Romans 8:28, ours.

Did you hear that? God made Scripture. God made incredible promises. And we have permission to approach Him with those promises.

Some of the Christians I most respect and look up to have talked about praying Scripture right back to God. Hey, if He wrote it then surely it is the most reliable set of words we can read back to Him. Batterson coins it as “God’s grammar.” It’s His own language and set of terms. Why wouldn’t we bring that up in our talks with Him? Not to mention the words He promises are beautiful and plenty to sustain us.

We can read our way through the Bible, but prayer through the Bible plants its words deep within us. We learn how to cling to His promises by heart when we’re speaking those words back to Him, counting on Him to come through with it. My faith in Him heightens when He answers. And He will answer because He’s God and it’s not in His nature to break a promise.

003: “You’ll never achieve the goals you don’t set.” Circle Maker, page 176

Something I started praying about and seeking earlier this year are goals for the coming years. I sat down more than once to my Bible and a composition book that I’ve deemed as my Life Goals journal. This inspiration came from the He Restores My Soul podcast by Jani Ortlund, where she unpacks the value and how-to of casting vision.

One of the final chapters of Circle Maker, “Life Goal List,” could have not have come at a more appropriate time. Just like Jani, Batterson also unpacks the value of setting goals, why it’s important to prayer, and 10 steps for writing them down.

In his goal-setting guide, Batterson walks us through the practical elements of a good goal while above all recognizing that the chief end of a good goal is make God’s name famous. Not only does he give us practical steps for setting a good goal, but the entire list hinges on prayer. Beginning, middle, and end.

The rest of the book aside, this chapter alone was enough to remind me that we are not made to live on auto-pilot. We have been given opportunities and imagination that we’ve barely tapped into. One of the greatest opportunities of goal-setting is getting to marvel at the goodness of God to not only let us dream so big, but to provide incredible ways for those dreams to unfold. The bigger we pray, the more God’s name is magnified when He answers.

Batterson’s passion for prayer is contagious. He believes deeply in the power of prayer, and loves to tell the stories of how the Lord has provided for him; it’s evident on every page.

If you are looking for encouragement as to why you should be praying more and creative ideas on how to do that, you will enjoy this book. Batterson shares some incredible, specific stories in which the Lord came through for him. I loved reading his narrative on how he prays, and was moved to believe that anyone can do this. It just requires practice. Anyone can pray with this level of faith. You just have to start and see it through.

If you are looking for a highly academic, scholarly discourse then this is probably not the book you want to read. Certainly we can all glean some inspiration from this work, but I think it’s important to come in with this mindset that this is ultimately a narrative of one man’s testimony of how he has seen prayer make a difference in his walk.

I have to add that caveat because I think it would be very easy to be disappointed by this book if you come in with the wrong expectations. Instead, I encourage you to start with this simple question: what does a life of prayer look like and how can I practice it?

Much of what Batterson describes are practices and rhythms that I have heard other Christians I look up to say and do. And I feel like if I have heard this message, or similar to it, from the mouths of multiple, well-trusted people, then I can listen to Batterson’s message too.

The heart of Circle Maker is that 100% of the prayers we don’t pray don’t get answered, and if we want something to change, we have to do something different. Batterson’s message is simple: try a new thing. Try a new prayer model. Try a different mindset. Whatever it takes to get closer to seeing the kingdom of God unfold in our world, try it.

Ultimately, are any one of us going to damage ourselves further by praying more? Are any of us going to waste our time by finding different ways to refresh our spirit in Christ? Is anyone really going to be reprimanded for coming to God and saying, “This might look crazy, and it’s sacrificing new portions of my energy, and I feel a little clumsy about it, but it’s worth it because I just want to be nearer to You.”

You’ll never know if you don’t try.  

“There are higher heights and deeper depths in prayer, and God wants to take you there. He wants to take you places you have never been before. There are new dialects. There are new dimensions. But if you want God to do something new in your life, you can’t do the same old thing. It will involve more sacrifice, but if you are willing to go there, you’ll realize that you didn’t sacrifice anything at all. It will involve more risk, but if you are willing to go there, you’ll realize that you didn’t risk anything at all.

Take the risk.

Draw the circle.”

Circle Maker, page 34

None Like Him by Jen Wilkin: Marveling at God

None Like Him | Author: Jen Wilkin | Genre: Christian, Nonfiction

Paperback: 163 | Publisher: Crossway (2016) | ISBN: 978-1-4335-4983-0

In None Like Him, author Jen Wilkin describes 10 ways God is different from us, and why that’s actually really good news for us. These “10 ways” are actually 10 attributes, or personality traits, of God. By devoting each chapter to a different attribute, Wilkin teaches readers the intimate details of who God actually is by using scripture and experiences.

Not only does Wilkin discuss God, she discusses how and where we – people – fit in all of this. She graciously points out that we are limited by nature, and how at the root of our every sin is a desire to be God. The only problem is we’re no God-experts. We try to be like him, and we fail. We hurt others or ourselves. Although we desire it, we cannot possess these 10 attributes of God as our flesh attempts.

Here’s where the good news is: God has already displayed himself with glory. His entire being is glory. And though we do not measure up like him, there is actually a great amount of peace in that truth. In this journey of marveling at the wonder of God, we learn to see how our limitations can actually glorify God.

In None Like Him, Wilkin teaches readers about a magnificent God, and paints a picture of what true freedom in him looks like when we people recognize our small-ness in light of his glory; she turns our eyes upwards toward him. And that is a journey we can’t afford to miss out on.

“Knowing who God is matters to us. It changes not only the way we think about him, but the way we think about ourselves. The knowledge of God and the knowledge of self always go hand in hand. In face, there is no true knowledge of self apart from the knowledge of God. We cannot understand our human limitedness rightly until we see it compared to the limitless of God. By learning truth about him, we learn truth about ourselves. But how much do we know of him? Because he is limitless, the knowledge of who he is stretches to infinity.”

Jen Wilkin, None Like Him, page 33

Written for Devotion

Friends, I’ll be honest: it took me months to complete this book. And I had to restart it twice.

It’s not that the writing was bad – quite the opposite.

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the book – actually, I loved it.

But, I wasn’t prepared for how deep this book would take me on a soul search.

None Like Him is written devotionally and is intended to give readers space and time to reflect. This is not a “cozy up on a rainy Saturday and read this in a day” kind of book. This is a “grab your coffee, pen, and journal, and pull up a chair, because we’ve got work to do” kind of book. I have to tell you that because I did not realize until I reached the end of the first chapter. I had to change my reading pattern for this book, instead of plowing through it like I’d originally expected to do. I had to do some prep work and make space for the time and thought this book asked of me. And really, I wasn’t ready for that the first time I picked it up.

Each chapter hones in on a study of one attribute of God. At the end of the chapter, Wilkin provides a few Bibles verses where we can see this, and encourages readers to write them down to meditate on.

Then, there are 4 reflection questions. These are not simple yes or no questions. Actually, these questions offer plenty of room for dialogue with God; Wilkin wastes no opportunity to spur on our thoughts and to challenge our hearts.

Finally, each chapter ends with a prayer model, in which readers are encouraged to write a prayer to the Lord. These prayers are sweet, because readers get to sit in awe of God and confess where we have attempted to glory like him.

For me, it took me roughly a week or so to complete a chapter. So a couple months to completely finish the book. I would read and reread the chapter. I’d set aside a day every week to read the chapter, and then use a day to meditate on the Scriptures, and yet another day to answer however many questions I had time for. I used this in conjunction with my Bible reading, but gleaned so much from it throughout the weeks by focusing on 1 attribute for several days.

If you’re going to read this, and I highly recommend you do, you have to be prepared for the time it will take to devote to this.

3 Reasons You Should Take the Time to Devote Real Study to This Book

One. Wilkin speaks to women with rich theological truth and application.

This is not an easy, frilly Bible study; our full attention and heart are required to grasp it. One reason is that Wilkin does not express these truths quickly or by cutting corners. She esteems our God-given ability to consider and meditate, and really hones in on it.

The examples of God’s attributes she offers? Well thought-out, and providing more than one angle of him. Wilkin gets into specific, relevant examples of how we might be might attempting to outshine God himself, and I really appreciated that.

The scripture she references and meditates on? Some are short verses, others are passages of several verses. And not all of them are those feel-good, Pinterest board ones, if you know what I mean. Wilkin clearly has started with and esteemed the Bible throughout this book. She obviously believes it wholeheartedly.

The reflection questions? Certainly not yes or no questions, but real questions of us. Questions that require thought and muddling, and open important doors of conversation between us and God.

The prayer models? These walk us through adoring, confessing, thanking and asking of him. These are not simple prayers, but these are honest. Real. Bold.

The prayer and study that Wilkin has poured into this book are obvious on every page; not a line is wasted. This is not just someone telling us what she thinks. None Like Him is the product of true study that we, too, can be a part of. How beautiful it is that God has made us to think.

Two. You are not too good for this book.

Honestly, one reason I thought I’d breeze through this is because I’m familiar with the attributes of God. After all, I have a degree in theology. I know this stuff, right?

I might be familiar with his attributes, but as Wilkin shows us, we can never exhaust our potential to reflect on the wonder of God. Just when I think I might really understand him, another angle of him is revealed to me. This is the beautiful part of walking with him: there is always room to wonder and always something more to uncover.

I needed this if only to be humbled, and to be reminded that I don’t have it – life or him – all figured out and why it’s all okay. I needed to be reminded of my own limitations. It felt as though the exact personality marker of God that I was learning about had shown up in my life in unhealthy, sinful ways at the same time. Having light shed on that was tremendously helpful in helping me navigate bearing his image, and get rid of some junk and messiness in my soul and practices.

Three. The conversations you’re going to have with God are worth it.

I’ve probably scared you away from this, talking about the challenges and all that. However, here’s a wonderful not-so-secret: Jesus is not hard to find. If you come to be with him, he is thrilled to host you. If you can put aside yourself long enough to see how this God of Ages has been loved and preached by generations, you will be amazed. If you’re willing to put in the time and work, this book could change you.

My hands have filled dozens and dozens of journal pages because of the journey None Like Him took me on. It seemed that each chapter I read came at a perfect time, and spoke to a sin or misplaced desire in my heart at that very second. Most of all, I received wisdom from God to rid myself of burdens and hindrances in my walk while journeying through these pages of None Like Him.

That gift of understanding and communion of God is something I desire for not only myself, but everyone I might come across – family, friends, enemies. We all need this message. We need to know who this God of the universe really is. We do need help in making sense of him.

Final Word

You can do this. You can know God. As we seek to walk as women of the Word and full of wisdom, would we start here: in knowing that we live for a God who is all we could ever hope for – perfectly, without flaw or failings. We are not victims, but are empowered to celebrate his self-existent, self-sufficient, eternal, immutable, omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, sovereign, infinite, and incomprehensible Being. We can actually find great peace in our limitations, and great joy in Who he is.

No matter where you stand with God, I would deeply encourage you to give this book a try, because God is all over these pages. And I know he’d want nothing more than to meet you there.

“Though I do not know him fully, what little I do know is cause for the deepest love the human heart can produce.”

Jen Wilkin, None Like Him, page 38

Side Note

A friend and I sat on her porch in the mid-summer heat. It was barely 8:00 AM, and already, the humidity wrapped itself around us; heaviness on our skin. We clutched warm coffee mugs in our hands, and allowed the stillness of the moment to help our bodies recover from our early morning yoga.

During this summer, she and I had made a little pact between each other to get involved at church. One step we made in this decision was attending weekly Theology classes. So for several Tuesday nights, she and I would ride together and study the Word well into the evening. The other women seemed to fit in so comfortably in that room, but for us, it was a stretch of out of our comfort zone. We were glad to be there.

We’d been studying the attributes of God in this class by using Jen Wilkin’s None Like Him. And as my friend and I sat on her porch that morning, reflecting on what God had been working in our lives that summer, she offered me her copy of the book.

These were days marked by growing friendship and stepping into the often awkwardness of community, and it was all so beautiful. And what else can you do, but humbly receive such a gift?

So, thank you to my dear friend. You know who you are.

The Enemy Didn’t Win This Round

What I Would Have Told Myself Yesterday

Sometimes your 1st graders will ask you to hang out, so you’ll say where and they’ll say CiCi’s Pizza, and you’ll say when, and they’ll say Saturday morning.

You’ll think it’s crazy, but you’ll commit to it.

So when you show up on Saturday morning – promptly at 10:30, the exact time CiCi’s opens — the girls will be waiting in their apartment complex parking lot. They’ll be wearing their African and church dresses with puffer, winter jackets to protect them from the wind and sprinkling rain, even though it’s over 70 degrees. Their faces will light up when they see you. They’ll wave and run to your car, probably because a part of them feared you wouldn’t show up.

And before you know it, after checking in with parents and exchanging phone numbers, you’ll be buckling in 3 girls in booster seats in the backseat of your car. You’ll struggle, because goodness, can a car really hold 3 booster seats side by side? You’ll struggle a little more, and the girls will clap for you when you finally hear the click of the buckles. You’ll wonder how parents do it every time.

It’s only a 2 minute drive. Close enough to walk, and you probably would have walked if it wasn’t rainy. When they ask on that short drive over if they can roll the windows down and how much pizza they can eat, you’ll be so happy to tell them, “Yes, and as much as you want!”

And as you have a contest to see who can eat the most, you’ll play iSpy and teach them the words written on media scattered around the restaurant. They’ll ask you questions about life, and you’ll hold onto this moment, already excited to share these memories with them when they’re older.

You’ll be sad when their tummies are full, and realize it’s time to go back home. When they say on the drive to their apartment, “Ms. Brianna, are you driving us to Africa?” and giggle, your heart will break a little because they’re so little and have already been through so much.

What I’m Telling Myself Now

Really? This is crazy. I can’t believe I get the privilege of walking with little ones, with the unwavering hope that they will rise with resiliency into remarkable adults one day. Going to CiCi’s Pizza is a big deal, and not something they get to do often. I really can’t believe I get to be the one to stand in the gap, and do that for them.

But to be completely honest: it’s hard. This is my calling. And yet, a lot of times I don’t feel like going. I face inwardly, struggling to look through someone else’s lens. I just don’t want to go. I didn’t work it in my budget. My to-do list is long. Looking ahead, and knowing that these little moments have the potential to love these kiddos to a stable adulthood – it can feel hopeless.

I usually have to pep talk myself, and ask the Lord to help me. He does, every time, and I’ve never left disappointed that I chose to give time to my kids.

It’s no surprise to me that I can’t love or serve well without God. That – I’ve known that for a while.

However, what I’m also learning is I can’t love or serve well without people.

Those booster seats? Given to me by mommas who didn’t need theirs anymore. When I called on help to become more accessible to my students, women stepped in and offered to literally just give me theirs. Within minutes, I had enough seats for my car and to share with coworkers striving for the accessibility.

The idea to go in the first place? God giving my girls the courage to ask to hang out. I don’t know why they want to hang out with an “old lady” like me, but I’m glad they asked. This is not my work; this is Christ at work in me and my students to help us build relationships.

Encouragement along the way? My incredible coworkers who consistently give so much of themselves to their work and our kids. They are walking testaments of the power our Father can weave through us if we show up, trusting him to provide our way. I look up to, and model much of my work after them. They are my wise counsel, and the ones I strive alongside.  

And the motivation to go when I’m tempted to stay? Certainly born out of a prayer from family and friends who have surrounded me, and shown interest in my work. Undoubtedly, this is the answer of a God who has been faithful to both hear and act.

Go, But Not Alone

Do something today. Anything. Because we know that the enemy loves to rip us from sweet moments. He knows that by tempting us to stay away from the things we love – by filling us with exhaustion, fear, worry, and honestly, lack of motivation – that he has blocks us from loving what we love to love.

It’s so stupid. Don’t fall for it. Do the thing on your heart, the same one that you are the most least-willing to do today, knowing that it has been planted for a reason. Don’t reason your way out of it. Show up. The fruit waiting for you on the other side of it is so sweet.

We won’t make memories with our fast-growing 1st graders that make us eager to tell their older selves about this time together, if we don’t commit to going to CiCi’s Pizza in the first place.

And believe this: you need people to serve people.

Don’t go at it alone. You’ll go so much farther if you choose to invite people in. Let them give you booster seats. Let them pray over you. Let them ask question, and be patient enough to answer. Stand humbled and in awe of those wiser and admirable around you.

It’s hard to serve and love well; it’s even harder to do it alone. There’s more to say. But the best, most simple thought I have for you on this rainy, cozy Saturday is to let people love you as you love people too.

The Cats Eat the Houseplants

Nearly all my houseplants are a blend of vibrant green, and a pathetic shade of darkened brown. Lack of sunlight, or too much water aren’t the issues. Actually, it’s that the cats love to gnaw on them.

I’ve tried a few different tricks in the book. I’ve placed double-sided sticky tape around the plant to detour the cats from stepping too close. I’ve sprinkled cayenne pepper on the top of the soil, and sprayed lemon juice all around it because I’ve heard those are both scents cats hate. Everythinag short of simply getting rid of the plants, I’ve tried.

But Dash, my precious, plant-eating cat – she only licks the tape and comes back to the plant once the scent has worn off later. When one of the reviews for the tape mentioned a demon cat eating the tape off its surface, I thought: Surely not my demon cat. Wrong.

It’s been an annoying, frustrating journey of trial and error. But the worst of it happened last week when we cleaned up cat puke. Multiple times.

The first time it happened, we didn’t think much about it. The second time? We thought it was only what was left of the first. But by the third time, we knew something was up.

And so it went on for 2 days: listening to the cat heave, and then cleaning up puke.

Bless her. I knew she wasn’t feeling well. Her food bowl sat full those days, and we held our breath until she went back for water. She seemed even more put-offish than normal (if those you that know Dash can even picture it.)

As bad as I felt for her, it only took one whiff of her mess to assume what had made her sick: the aloe plant. That same one with the hardened, brown tips – evidences of her chewing. Apparently, my ridiculous attempts to detour her had been ignored.

First off, I don’t get why she even goes to the plants in the first place.

But secondly, why does she go back to the plants, even when they make her sick?

We watched her do it. Just moments after getting sick, she’d go back to the very source of her sickness.  Time after time. Eventually we’d have to completely move the plant out of her reach. But until we did that, we waited anxiously, hoping she’d get the point and stop going back to the very thing that was damaging her.

As much as I wanted to be like WHYYYYYY??!, the strange realization hit me: I do that too.

No, I’m not confessing that I eat my aloe plant and puke it up every day. No, not quite. But this is a confession that I go back to the things that damage me. It’s not an aloe plant, but it’s a whole list of other things I go back to –

My phone for comfort and distraction.

Social media to desensitize.

Unkindness to myself and to others.

The crippling list of could haves, should haves, and would haves.

Believing lies.

Telling lies.

Literally, stuff.

All these places, and more I’ve not listed, are the ones I run to. I know they’re not good for me. I know they’re not helpful to my life’s vision, and I know that these are not things that I want to be marked by. These things don’t refresh me, or enliven me. These are not the will of God for my life.

They bring me anxiety and worry, fear and cowardice. They cripple me, causing me to feel stuck and think that my Savior doesn’t care for me. They leave me out, make me feel unworthy and far from my best. It disgusts me every. Single. Time.

And yet, I keep going back. Even though I know full well that these things make me sick with regret and discontentment, I return.

It’s stupid because my Father promises to give me the opposite of these things. He promises kindness through and to me. He promises to give me the truth, and assures me that when I believe it, I will truly live. He gives me permission to be content and joyful, staying focused on my tasks ahead without the hindrance of the regrets. And when I believe him, I am restored and nursed back to health.

But when I don’t believe him, it’s damaging.

We all have something that tears us up, but we keep putting stock in. For Dash it’s the aloe plant. For me, it’s that whole list – and more. But today, I am remembering that I don’t have to go back to the things that make me sick. I might have hunger pangs for them, but I don’t have to thirst for them.

What if instead of going to them, I ran to the things that do enliven me?

Like writing, both here and in my paper journal.

Reading the story of Jesus.

Talking to God.

Reading my current book (The Hobbit!).

Serving and doing well toward my people.

Snuggling with the cats (always necessary).

Setting screen time limits.

Jotting down goals.

Taking the time to hike beneath a sky that is beautiful and fills me with wonder, being sure to breathe in deeply and say thank You.

I might look at Dash returning to her sickness time after time and be like WHYYYYYY??!, but one beautiful thing to remember is that is not how God sees me. He looks at me with a tenderness, not an astounded frustration. I’m surprised by Dash, but God is not surprised by me. And yet, he still fully loves and accepts me, despite my sickness and crazy. I’m glad for that.

Here’s to a day another day of practicing running to the things I love, not the things I hate. It feels more awkward than it should, but I know this is going to fill me with a life and health that I didn’t know I was missing. That’s worth it.